Writing Sample – 2/2/2007

by kalbzayn on February 2, 2007

Here is a sample from the pirate story I am working on.  It was actually written a few weeks ago, but the journal I wrote in this week is hiding in a different part of the house and I need to go to bed.

This portion drops you write in the middle of a scene and, in fact a dialogue.  There is more before and after, but I have to save some of the story.

Feel free to like it or hate it just make sure you let me know what you think before I have to submit the story at the end of the month.

Here comes the sample:

“Did you know that a pirate’s beast only gives him access to one ship?” Edmond asked.

“No.  That’s a pickle.”

“I can only think of two options.  Get more ships to overpower the embargo or find the critter that is in charge of The Shadow.”

“But, there is only one week….”

“Which doesn’t leave enough time for either plan.”

“The order has already been placed.  I have already cashed the deposit.  The cinnamon must arrive or he is going to want a head.  I’m not willing to part with mine but I will gladly send him your way.”

“Threats are not going to….”

A dirty hand slapped Edmond’s back.  The dirty hand lead to a dirty, toothless smile.  “I heard you mention The Shadow.”

“Miles, you crazy, drunk fool.  Quit bothering the customers.”  The owner waved toward the bouncer.

“Hear me stranger and hear me well.  Nut has a squirrel….”

{ 6 comments }

Kelly Parra February 2, 2007 at 9:38 am

The dialogue is great, Mike! It’s just tough for me to follow who is who since it’s in midscene. =D

Bonnie February 2, 2007 at 4:54 pm

Aye to Kelly’s comment. Identify ye speakers matey! I’m still intrigued, continue posting please.

And beware the curse of the comment box…

kalbzayn February 2, 2007 at 7:51 pm

There’s a curse. Awesome. I gotta find out more about that.

Thanks for the niceness and the advice. When I rewrite, I might actually try to put a couple movements and things happening in the bar in between a few of the lines. That should help with the clarity.

MOM February 2, 2007 at 8:29 pm

I read it. I didn’t quite understand it enough to have anything to say. I’ll wait for rest of it. Maybe I need to learn more about pirates, increase my pirate background knowledge. I know when I was teaching kids to read background knowledge was extremely important. MOM

Paul February 5, 2007 at 7:55 am

I thought this was fine too. I agree that it is hard to give too much feedback as there isn’t much context. The dialog was interesting, though. Good work.

S William Shaw February 6, 2007 at 11:47 am

Nut has a squirrel…

Good stuff. Well written. Concise, and begging for us to read more.

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